physical apperance, background and personality per se are enough to have that chemistry. was i so wrong. it was the whole package that i was attracted to. not just one quality or lack of thereof.

sigh...

i wish that i have the balls to look him up and finally tell myself to get a grip...

If I have stuck to my "checklist" I wouldn't have given him the time of the day. I should have judge him by his appearance, lack of education and religion. Instead, I stupidly looked past everything. I shouldn't have given him a chance to change my mind, of how good it is and it will be between us. That what we have is not something that everyone experiences everyday.

Because right now, it feels like am paying for every memory. I don't want to be, but I feel so jaded and cynical. I feel so shitty and retarded for not giving a chance to the men who does fit my "list" just because of the simple fact that they can't make me laugh. I don't feel like am being myself when I'm with them.  

How to do I get myself out of this hole.

I have always tried to be a good daughter, friend and sister. I didn't have it in me to rebel in highschool or college despite how messed up my parents relationship was. At a young age, I promised myself that no matter how bad my family life is, I will never on purpose hurt myself to get their attention. Am no saint though, just like any teenager I tried drinking, smoking and clubbing except drugs and sex. I was a conscientous student, was never sent to the principal's or dean's office. I didn't have it in me to break the rules because I don't want to have have any problems when I apply for college or work. When my Mom left, my Dad naturally assumed that I would step up to the plate to fill her shoes. I tried my best to be a good example to my brothers. I drop everything when a friend is in trouble. I believe in karma that's why I try to not to hurt anyone on purpose.

Now am asking myself, if I deserve to go through this pain...

 

I'm well aware of how old I am.

If it's that easy to be in a relationship, do you think I want to be single? Do you think that I don't feel like am missing out and that am not envious of all my friends who have started their own family? Do you think that I don't pray at night and ask for God's guidance? Do you think that I don't feel lost and alone? Do you think that I don't ask God why my personal life have to be this hard?  

 

it still feel like hell...

Like am passing time and going through the motions called life. To top it off, a guy asked me out and he happens to have the same name and ethnic background. My life is a mockery.

is to accept the fact that he may never come back.

not a day goes by that i didn't think of him. but for some unknown reason, im not as bitter as i expected to be. maybe its because of the fact that i did fight for him, because this time i don't want to be left with any regrets. 

i wish that my heart will heal soon so i can finally move on.  

I was 3 minutes late to today's orientation at CHLA. I now have time on my hands again after work. When I so need to have something to do so I'll be able to stop thinking about Mike. I'm praying that something will come up soon.

Sigh...